What would you do if someone you loved is spiraling out of control?
Affecting their ability to hold a job or a friendship.
Putting themselves in danger.
Jeopardizing relationships with children, siblings, and parents.
The counterintuitive answer is: you let them.
Harsh, right?
Seems that way on the surface. But that’s the approach that Mel Robbins argues for in her recent book, The Let Them Theory, grounded in medical and therapeutic advice from experts in this space.
The book and its pithy concept grabbed my attention when I recently read it. I’m not alone, as evidenced by people who have gone so far as to permanently ink themselves with the simple words to remind themselves.
Mel’s critical argument is that we all have a need for control in our lives. So when faced with someone else who is exerting their control in a way that is different than what you want, you let them. By trying to force them to do what you want, they simply dig in their heels so they maintain some semblance of control.
The jerk in the grocery store who cuts the line? Let them.
The boss who doesn’t recognize your brilliance and give you an overdue promotion? Let them.
The family member who is addicted to alcohol and shatters her life in the process? Let them.
But letting them only goes so far if we want to maintain some semblance of pride for ourselves. We must pair “Let them” with “Let me.”
Let me decide how I want to respond.
Let me decide how to own my own decisions.
Let me decide what a healthy relationship looks like.
As Mel notes: “When you say Let Them, you make a conscious decision not to allow other people’s behavior to bother you. When you say Let Me, you take responsibility for what YOU do next.”
Simple saying, much harder to put into practice. But it’s clearly touched a nerve with me and others.1
As a parent, this gets even harder. We want to shield our kids from all the hard things in life. But that is neither realistic nor beneficial for them.
They have to struggle.
They have to stub their toes occasionally.
They have to fail.
Then, and only then, will they appreciate what it takes to succeed. And will they recognize the hard work it takes to get there. And will they build the resilience necessary to navigate the challenging times.
As Mel mentions: “You are way more capable than you give yourself credit for, and so is the person you love.” Or, to put a finer point on it, “Stop rescuing people from their problems and start acting as if you believe in their ability to face them.”
Let them make their own decisions. Let Me give them love and support. And we’ll all be better off in the end.
Not my tattoo. Photo Credit: Mel Robbins’ Facebook
I would be remiss if I didn’t note that Let Them is not a new concept and that there was a viral poem by Cassie Phillips entitled Let Them in 2022 that covers similar ground as The Let Them Theory that was released in 2024. It’s not clear how Mel Robbins was influenced or not by Cassie Phillips’ poem but many other people clearly were, including some of those who got Let Them tattoos. Mel undeniably extended the themes beyond the poem into a well-researched book.